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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  April 17, 2013 11:00pm-11:31pm PDT

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- i'm still [bleep] angry! - ♪ back and we're back and we're back ♪ ♪ we're so back, we're so back ♪ ♪ back back back back back ♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good show for you on this evening. very, very good show for you. my guest tonight is a young man named ricky gervais ( cheers and applause ) he's here to promote... he's here to promote i think a new line of ricky gervais black tee-shirts-we're excited to have him and creatine.
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before we start, this is incredible. a huge break coming out of boston. >> this is cnn's breaking news. wolf, we have information an arrest has been made in the investigation here in boston. >> the suspect was identified has now been arrested. >> i was told by a boston law enforcement source we got him. >> jon: [bleep] i can't... you know, so many people, this is so important. so many people are going to be reading this tonight. give me the details. this is exciting. >> federal law enforcement source says an arrest has been made base on two different videos showing images of the suspect. the video enhancement showed a dark-skinned male placing the package at the second etion ploation site and backing away >> jon: dark skinned male. boy, wow. how did they narrow that down? that could be anybody from dennis rodman to george hamilton. i mean, he could still... or
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maybe brooklyn assemblyman. so, boy, that's... wow. but, you know, they had a tremendous amount of information. more importantly... >> we're getting some exclusive information from cnn's john king. you're working your sources. you're getting more information. exclusive reporting. you heard this dramatic exclusive reporting that john has done now. >> jon: you know what?at john this is why you turn to cnn in a crisis. you know, we make fun of them sometimes. we do. we tell jokes at their expense. but obviously because they've got the boots on the ground and they can do the reporting, you know, as one of their competitors i guess we just get a little jealous. of these kinds of exclusives. although we soon learned there was a very good reason why this
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was exclusive. >> there has been no arrest. and, in fact, a suspect has not been identified by name yet. >> jon: oh, it's exclusive because it was completely [bleep] wrong. that's why. it was exclusive. just out of curiosity did any of your sources end their tip-off to you with the phrase "ba-ba-booy." howard stern's peanuts. i don't know if you know this. that's a code for a very famous radio personality. so cnn, was there also any perhaps more credible source with what they call factual information. >> this federal law enforcement source has just communicated with a significant progress has been made but no arrest. anyone who says an arrest is
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ahead of themselves. ( applause ) >> jon: i think they're talking about you. when you wrote it, did you go [bleep]. in the space of, i don't know, an afternoon, this suspect went from definitely caught and headed to federal court to (breathing heavily) never existed. it's like a news story as imagined by m. night shamalayan. here's the best part. here's the best part about the whole thing. john king exclusively reports an arrest has been made and then caps it an hour later with the news that the f.b.i. would prefer him to enjoy a hot cup of
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shut the [bleep] up. and cnn fills the entire afternoon in between those bookends with this. >> there's clearly something afoot today. now you have people who are out there pulling back some. >> we're getting conflicting reports about an arrest. >> there has been a misunderstanding. >> at this point it appears the people who have been reliable sources to us the past 48 hours either were giving us inaccurate information or got out ahead on themselves. >> there's been a lot of confusion. >> we don't know what's right or not right. as anderson said you don't want to go down the road of speculation wrongfully >> jon: that's what you were doing. you spent an hour debating the merits of your own fiction. see, we're accustomed to 24 news networks thriving on conflicts. generally that conflict is between two outside parties. cnn's reporters have discovered that they can remove the
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middleman. and spend hours of programming fighting amongst themselves. they have figured out a way to [bleep] in their own mouth. cnn has become the human sent peed of news. for more on today's dizzying events we go out to john oliver in boston. quite a day, john. >> hi, john. yes, indeed. look a real black mark to be honest on all of us in the news-gathering business. although -- i totally shouldn't be saying this right now. they do have just minutes ago a suspect in custody which i obviously can't confirm but will say. >> jon: are you sure about this? yes, jon, yes. i'm not positive but i can say that it is a dark-skinned male, possibly white, or maybe a
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woman. it could be, jon, it could be a mannish woman or an effiminate man. i don't want to appear rude at this point by asking the suspect. you know how sensitive these instincts can get. right now essentially what i'm hearing is that the police are just waiting around to see which... >> wait, wait, wait, wait. i'm sorry. >> what's up? jon: jessica williams, you've also been reporting on the scene. do you have something? >> jon, jon, jon, i'm sorry. i'm just getting word that road tests has been laid. >> no arrest has been made. i'm just getting that in from a source. i cannot confirm the source. i will say that she is dark skinned, possibly tall with a cast on her right wrist. >> jon: jessica, do you have any news? have you heard anything. >> jon, i heard if you have sex in the blood it doesn't count. jon, somebody just told me that.
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>> jon: i didn't mean news on... on this was from a credible source. the guy is a gym teacher. who knows better than him. >> jon: do you have anything on the suspect? >> no. i'm hearing a lot of [bleep], jon. but i don't want to be irresponsible. and just blurt it out. honestly i thought it would be just more judicious to wait the five minutes it might take to have the information verified. >> jon, can you jump in here? it was a fat hispanic lady, jon. or what i'm hearing a dog on his hind legs wearing glasses and a hat. i cannot confirm any more than that at this point. i probably shouldn't even be saying this but let me just reiterate a dog dressed like a detective walking like a man. >> really? that is the bomber. you're going to blame this on mcgruff >> jon: that is right. jessica brings up a point. that sounds like mcgruff who is a crime-fighting dog.
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>> that's not the point. the point is you heard it here exclusively and first >> jon: great work again, guys. -x,x,yyen@n@,x o$,v1
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. now, we've been fighting the war on terror for, i don't know, seems like a million years now. if there's one thing that gives you hope it's that even in the darkest days we never lost this country's moral compass.
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>> the united states does not faulter. >> the united states does not torture. >> the president has always told everyone that he will not allow torture. >> we don't torture. jon: we might be engaged in a little rough housing, a little (mumbling) we have) mumbling) one time we tickled somebody. know big deal. anyway, you know what? that stuff had to be done. >> i happen to believe that the actions i've taken were necessary to protect ourselves and lay the foundation for peace. that's what i believe. we'll see what history says >> jon: adding... you know what? former president bush is right. we'll have to wait to see what his soar says. >> jon: hold on. it's history calling. i have to get this quick. just give me a sevment. c. yeah, okay. he's right here. it's for you.
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>> independent task force on post 9/11 interrogation techniques issued a scathing report tuesday. it concluded that the highest u.s. officials under the bush administration bore responsibility for what it called the indisputable use of torture. >> jon: indisputable use of torture. no, no. what part of "we don't torture" does this independent bipartisan task force not understand? i mean... all right. this isn't too big a surprise. we've always known one or two really really bad guys had their interrogations in hand. >> i think if anyone takes time to read the report they will be overwhelmed by the volume of episodes where representatives of our government, our military brutally, brutally tortured many, many people. >> american personnel conducted an even larger number of interrogations that involved
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cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment. >> jon: come on. they were our guests. we gave them water. we just... didn't give it to them in the traditional way that people (crowd groaning) so it turns out we didn't just lose our moral compass, we smashed it to smithereens. i guess the only silver lining is like president bush said torture got us that great information. we're all so much safer because of it. >> on top of all of it, the commission found no evidence that torture ever yielded any key information, no information that we are any safer because of it. >> jon: so what are the lessons we can draw from this report?
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>> it's important because we as a nation have to get this right. i look back in history to the time during world war ii that we interned in japan he's-americans. at the time it seemed like the right and proper thing to do. but in the light of history, it was an error >> jon: i'm sorry. excuse me for a second. i just need to go back real quick. >> hello, john jon: hey, is this george takei? >> hi, how are you? jon: very well, sir. how are you? >> just great on: it's jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) very nice. i have a quick question for you. >> yes jon: when you were four years old and your family were taken from your home and placed in an interment camp for japannese-americans, at the time did that seem like the right and proper thing to do? >> no. it did not. >> jon: okay. thanks a lot, george. >> any time, jon
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jon: all right. that's what i thought. ( cheers and applause ) see, think about a moral compass. if you take it out and shake it from time to time you don't have to wait for history to tell you you're facing the wrong direction.
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>> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, oh, we love him. coming to netflix this summer he's brought his office character back on his new youtube channel. >> let me take you down a quality street. ♪ ♪ you never know the people you meet ♪ ♪ at the end of the street is a golden gate ♪ ♪ don't let them hate no. ♪ walking down the street ♪ ♪ do unto others and life is sweet ♪ ♪ just look right in ♪ you're judged by your words not the color of your skin ♪ >> jon: please welcome back to the show ricky gervais.
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( cheers and applause ) just out of curiosity... ( cheers and applause ) >> amazing. jon: first of all, you look like [bleep]. second of all, how does david brent end up in amuse i can video? >> well, i kept getting people on twitter or things. what's he doing now? i don't want to make stuff up. it's a fictional character so i thought i would bring him back to that. it's just a little piece >> jon: what is he doing now? he's resting, as he said. he doesn't want to give up that cash cow. and his other passions. he thinks he's a local rapper. but he wormed his way into it. he can't believe his luck.
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>> jon: terrific. of course he gets everything wrong. this is his idea. this song is his idea of, you know, changing the world >> jon: can i tell you... he gets it all wrong of course. >> jon: now you started a whole... this is like a channel you started? >> yes jon: how does that even work? it's like a, you know, like a... >> jon: do you think you're oprah? >> yes jon: you can't just start a channel. >> this is the future. this is the future >> jon: what is the future? ust people broadcasting on you-tube. it's massive. you-tube is the biggest forecaster in the world. ... broadcaster in the world >> jon: that's supposed to be like six-year-olds coming out of pain medication. there's already television. why not write something and put it on television? you can't defeat them on you-tube. >> television is dead. jon: television is not dead.
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no one is watching this. jon: you're going to work your ass off for two months on a brilliant, brilliant music video and a [bleep] like getting sprayed by a coke is going to blow by you and you're not going to know what happened. that's what i'm saying. this is what happens. >> i'm going to sign that cat up. snairls on your channel? >> and take 90% of its earnings. it's going to be happy. what do i get? you get a little piece of fish. that's all. >> jon: i am a trained mime. and this... >> no, it was sort of like this. jon: we're doing the vaudevillian take of feeding a
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cat. to the moon. >> exactly. jon: it's a cat. is this being broadcast now? because this is an example of [bleep] television. you know what i mean? this wouldn't go on you-tube. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that is true. we could do this whole show in a tweet. >> jon: you're an old man. you're like me. >> i know. jon: why? because there are so many idiots out there to enjoy. usually i have to go into prisons or rubbish pits to meet people. now i can do it from the comfort of my mansion. it's amazing. they say such stupid things. my favorite one is, hey, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs so just shut up about your racism. that's my favorite. that's my favorite.
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i love it >> jon: and you respond to them. yes, of course. i want to share stupidity with the world. that's my job >> jon: that's what i do. that's my point. why do it on... but i thought the whole point of celebrity of success was to wall yourself off from that contact? >> it's too tempting. it's just way too tempting when people say stupid things. >> jon: when do you sleep? these are thousands of people. if you engage one, how do you stop? >> you see, i have to think about a tweet. that will do on twitter. that's good enough for twitter. today on the way here in the car i did about three tweets. i said if no one retweets this i will give $10,000 to charity.
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hundreds of retweets. i said you're not listening, okay? if not one person retweets this i will give $15,000 to charity, right? 500 retweets. and then other people are going, your followers are all idiots. so i'm retweeting that. it's like amazing. >> jon: it's just angering people. >> i'm like the devil. no one really gets hurt. it's like i'm looking down on ants. it is fun. i know they're human beings and i apologize for that. but it's fun >> jon: you don't realize about ants. they have 100 times their body weight in strength. they will drag you into a hole and no one will see you again. >> i heard that on cnn so that's a fact. >> jon: you did it. you did it, boy. check out his new you-tube
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channel. >> i'm like oprah. jon: derek on netflix this summer. ricky gervais, everybody.
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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> not really any activity down there. obviously having trouble